I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
