I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
