its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
