Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
