I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
