Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
