I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
