I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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