so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
