I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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