I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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