a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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