My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
