my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was like eating out sand paper
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
