i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
