im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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