Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize