after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
that may or may not have been my penis.
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