Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
