I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
