why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
