I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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