Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
