The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
