for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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