just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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