At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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