I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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