i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Let's get the cat blown out
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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