We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
