just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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