My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
