I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
