I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm like, not good at living.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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