You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
