i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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