if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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