just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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