I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I just sharted jello shots
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