Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
