apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
