I want you more than these girls want KFC
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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