we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
