the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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