sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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