Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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