What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
