i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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