The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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