I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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