I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
