Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
