this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
the raccoons are back...
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