You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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