how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
