That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
