Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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