dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
