I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
