she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
