My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
