It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize